Eight Years -Kris Leitner
It’s been eight years since my unimaginable journey began ... What does that mean exactly? It means that I have survived a parent’s worst nightmare. I have outlived my child. I have continued to breathe in & out for 2,921 days, wishing at some point during every one of those days, that life had provided a different outcome. I have existed 70,127 hours aware that there will always be a void – an empty chair – a deep despair that cannot be assuaged. I have endured 4,207,594 minutes knowing that what might have been will never be. I have survived 252,455,616 seconds without a piece of my heart & somehow it is still beating.
Where is my child? I’ve asked that question from the moment of Grant’s death. In my opinion, that question can only be answered from within. I will tell you that, for me, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my son is never very far. I have had so many precious experiences letting me know that he is still very much a part of what I do. His sense of humor remains intact ... his intelligence grows ... his love & concern for the people he cares for is unwavering.
How have I survived his death? Is there some magic potion? Is there some secret? First, I survived because I chose to. I made the conscious choice to continue on. Believe me, I contemplated other options on the darkest nights. Any parent who has endured this will probably tell you the same thing. It is shattering to move through the acute grief that consumes you when your child dies. You feel literally ripped to shreds by the sharp, protruding pieces of who you once were. In the beginning you wonder if your heart can physically endure the pain. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done – choosing to live on. Second, nope/negative/nada there is NO magic potion that will help. If only it were that easy. Third, is there a secret? Actually there is, however, you have to find it for yourself. Each one of us must search for the answer(s). We are as individual as our children & what works for one may not work for another. For me, it’s been a combination of things. If you reach within yourself & also ask your child for help a miraculous thing occurs – the secret finds you. It’s work & it’s exhausting, yet it is so worth it. The discovery brings you so close to where they are now & gives you a comfort that is beyond description.
Why have I chosen to move forward? This one is simple for me – because in my heart & soul I know he wants me to. Does that mean it’s easy? Absolutely not. It’s challenging, overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating & difficult. It’s a conscious choice, yet it’s also wondrous. I believe that by embracing his life & legacy I keep his memory alive in a positive & loving way. The focus then becomes how he lived, not how he died. Knowing he wants me to live out my life doesn’t take away the sorrow of missing him. I miss him every single moment of every single day. He is one of my first thoughts when I wake up each day & he is one of my final thoughts as I go to sleep each night.
When will the grief end? I know now that it never will & I am okay with that. I have made peace with it, for the most part & I know that grief is just another facet of the amazing gift within us all – LOVE. It is not a burden to carry my grief. The heaviness that used to weigh me down is gone. That doesn’t mean it isn’t arduous on some days. When I am triggered by an event or a memory or just missing him a bit more than usual, the magnitude of his absence is intensified. For me, it’s been learning how to navigate the challenges. I have found comfort in others’ survival stories (flashlights - if you will - to lead me through the shadows). I have found a space for my grief & most days I carry it with gratitude. Strange as that may seem, carrying my grief with gratitude has been a gift of grace. A deep & abiding love surrounds my mournfulness now. In my discovery I have come to accept that I would rather have experienced carrying this sweet little creature under my heart for 9 months, been blessed to share in his all too brief & amazing life, bravely endured his death & become the keeper of his legacy ~ than never have known him. It is a painful awakening & it takes time to find an understanding. It gradually occurs through countless tears, sleepless nights, seeking answers & finding peace.
Who am I now? A different soul than I was before. I continue on my quest for understanding & I do my best to honor Grant by living for us both. By keeping the tremendous gifts he left behind alive & well in the hearts of those he loves. Yet, it is also enduring the permanence of his absence. Suffering an anguish that cannot be articulated. Bearing the sorrow of a life that ended far too soon. Carrying my grief with a dignity & grace that makes him proud. It is leaving the bitterness that rears its ugly head from time to time, exactly where I find it. Most of all, it’s becoming someone who laughs, appreciates, forgives, learns, strives, believes & loves with my whole heart!
I don’t know how long it will be before I am where he is now. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months or years. I don’t focus on that so much anymore. I live each day & do my best to be better than the day before. What I do know is this – on that wonderful day – ALL the hosts in the Heavens will know that I am Home by the joyous shouts that will escape this no longer grieving mother’s heart. Until then my beautiful boy!